The truth is, its very hard to break this pattern. Hes the one who has the power to start working on himself. Dont assume that your husband agrees with you on something. Even more so when and if your husband sides with them rather than you, and expects you to go along with things to keep the peace. Does your husband provide a large part of his income to his parents and family that leaves you and the kids struggling at the end of the month? Remember, its his family. Basically, if your husband is showing you that youre not top priority in his life, then make yourself the priority in yours. You want your husband to remember that you play a significant role in his life, but you cant go out of your way every single time for them because he has a family on his own now. If you try to find a compromise with him, he wont be forced to choose between you or his family. If he doesnt realize this, or he doesnt want anything to change, then thats a sign that he probably still has a lot of growing up to do. Yes, that includes your spouses attachment to his family. But why do men choose their families over their wives in the first place? The attitude starts to shuffle, the ideas are different, the future plans are different, and their responsibilities shift. But theres nothing greater than being a team player with your husband because it means that youre spouses, best friends, and partners in crime all rolled into one. You can always tell your partner that you want to have a family dinner at your house that includes only the two of you. Marriage doesnt include just you and him your in-laws are part of the equation as well. 12 Things To Do When Your Husband Chooses His Family Over You, 1. Small gestures of love do not imply that your husband chose his mom over you. .If your husband is choosing friends over you, one way to get him to spend more time with you is to suggest spending more time together as a family. Be completely open with him and tell him how these relationships have been making you feel isolated and neglected. Mothers-in-law usually feel threatened by the presence of another woman in their sons life. So it could be an alternative day arrangement. Being with such a man is a real struggle. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. This is a reality in many homes in India and wives are expected to entertain relatives because the husband is choosing his family over his wife. Instead of arguing, try to be a team player with your husband. So, my husband chooses his family over me. Maybe when you become a daughter-in-law, you will realize how much it pains to handle those hurtful comments that make you feel like an outsider even after four years of marriage. In account of this, we bring to you some useful pieces of advice you can take heed of when your husband choose his family over you. Refusing to move far away from their mom, or even still living with her. Privacy Policy . Do you want to stay with a man who will bend to his familys will at your expense? Focus on yourself. That, above all, is the issue that needs to be worked out. This is alright as long as it is not a repeated thing. Your husband may even be pretty cheery when relatives come, but he can also be oblivious about you getting stressed attending to the entourage. Realize he is their child first and he lived with them much longer than he lived with you. Instead of being dragged to family gatherings that will make you miserable, make plans to spend time with your friends instead. Spend as much time with your own parents or visit cousins as much as he does. As you can imagine, the generational gap is quite huge, so there are bound to be fights and arguments for sure. But, I refuse to become a victim of toxic behavior anymore. You could be living with your husbands family or you could be living in a separate residence but when your husband chooses his family over you then its a constant battle that you have to keep fighting in your life. Pour your energy into hobbies and personal pursuits. His mother passed away three years ago, unexpectedly. Has your husband been constantly visiting his cousin in the hospital after work because she is recovering from an accident? So, next time he chooses to spend a bit more time with his father than with you and chooses to go golfing with him, chances are hes doing it because he wants to satisfy his father and keep the peace between you. One excuse thats commonly heard in situations where your husband chooses his family over you is theyve been family to me longer than weve been a couple.. He feels guilty for not spending enough time with his family. What is the reason for it? Once your husband receives help for his addiction, he will . Tell him to have the weekends for such visits. If your husband enjoys a close relationship with his family he may feel a bit separated from his family, now that he has his 'own'. As a consequence, your man spent a significant amount of time with his family, be it family dinners, gatherings, or game nights. Your husband may have lived in such a dynamic for his entire life. At times, mothers-in-law deliberately start to distance the daughters-in-law, or at times they would taunt or tease, or they would still invite their sons ex-partners to the events. Here youll find some tips that could help you deal with this issue. And youre tired of always doing that because his mom might think you dont know how to cook. Women feel that they are being left alone at the time of need and they feel abandoned. What can I do about it? Create your own boundaries, your husband will start realizing what is possible and what is not possible. . Accurate city detection helps us serve more contextual content. When my uncles Anil and Anant married, they took advantage of a heinous custom in Marathi weddings. Neither you nor any of his relatives can have an influence on his decisions. If hes not willing to cooperate, then theres not much you can do about it alone. Get expert help figuring out a plan of action if your husband chooses his family over you. Just know that the more you and your husband can stand up and stand firm, the more his parents will eventually get the message. Its just that the bond that he has with his family is strong and you have to show him that he has a family on his own now. Have your husbands family members ever disrespected you in front of him and/or your children without your husband saying anything in your defense? But before all of that, you have to give him space and time to initiate the change. Perhaps, whatever free time he does get between work and other responsibilities, he spends it hanging out with his friends. The problem was, he loved them more than me." But dont do it with a sense of vengeance or to get back at him. makanisurfshop.com my-husband-chooses-his-family-over-me-what-can-i-do. Plus, we are sure, you wouldnt really appreciate a man who is not there with his parents when they genuinely and really need him. For example, if his parents are lending (or giving) you the money to put a down payment on your house, then they may use that as leverage to make decisions about which house you buy. Just because you feel neglected and want him to ignore his family for the rest of his life, doesnt mean he has to accept that. Simple as that. What he is doing comes naturally to him. He has to choose to change on his own and act accordingly. Why is it that mothers find it that difficult to see their son be happily married? You may think that its your fault that your husband chooses his family over you, but its not. Another reason your spouse might choose his family over you is if you and your in-laws are living under the same roof. His daily routine changes and hes confused since his priority list has changed drastically. Think Aloud is a destination where youll find stories about every step you, as a woman, take. I don't hate animals - as I said, I love them. Sadly, many women believe that they can read their partners minds. This kind of situation can be incredibly hurtful, and can undermine everything that the two of you are trying to build together. And that schedule should be something his family are aware of, too, especially if they have a habit of turning up at your place unannounced. So those nights you choose alcohol over me, please remember, I make you a priority, even when you have no reason to be one. It is fine not to take sides. The love and the feeling of being one long after the child has been born cannot be explained. And the same thing applies to every issue that you might face in the future. Dont try to argue with him about why hes choosing his family over his wife. Even by those he loves. 2. The good news is that it can be learned for sure. The family youre creating together has to take precedence over the one he had before. When children are socialized in India it is drilled into their head that your parents will always be your priority and even now when sons want to have a separate residence after marriage there is severe criticism not only from parents but also relatives and the neighbors who keep saying: there goes the son tied to the wifes pallu. What can you do to break this deadlock? For example, if they try to suggest Rose for the name of your forthcoming daughter, but you have another name in mind, politely state: Thats a lovely name, but were very keen on Catherine, actually., Or if they try to muscle in on a family holiday that was meant just for the two of you and your children, respond by saying: Were really looking forward to some quality time just the 3/4/5 of us, but why dont we plan a weekend away with all of us later in the year?. There are no constant knocks on the door by his family to get their thoughts across. He asks you to lie about wanting kids or about being Catholic, so that she'll approve of you. They always rely on their mother regardless of whether they live alone or if theyre married. This can be difficult if his friends are toxic to the marriage, but it's worth trying. But sadly, for you, my pain is meaningless. 3.) In this case, women feel alone and unprotected from the onslaught of the family. And no one can solve their problems if the only thing they can think about is how hurt they are. Just counter their view with your own, firmly and decisively. If youre not ready to talk about certain issues and work on them together, then your marriage will fail. They are not pleased, especially, if they think that her daughter-in-law is not suitable for her son which is almost always the case. And as well all know, Indian mothers do not let go of their sons even after marriage. Lets say that your husband constantly invites you to go over to his parents house for dinner. All about sneakers. He had told me, throughout our marriage and the last month, that he wasn't changing. So why not chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out before its too late. Why? It's always a good thing to see your husband spending time with his family and . I'm more of a take sides kinda gal. Share your feelings with him and see how hell react. "I don't hate cats. This can cause a lot of trust issues and distress in the marriage. 5 Ways Lying Destroys Marriages, 15 Ways to Deal With an Unsupportive Partner During Pregnancy, 15 Signs of a Condescending Person and How to Deal With Them, What Happens When You Meet Your Soulmate: 15 Amazing Facts, 10 Ways Meditation for Relationships Can Help Couples, The Importance Of Maintaining Healthy Family Relationships, What To Do When You Feel No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, 25 Common Marriage Problems Faced by Couples & Their Solutions, 50+ Best Funny Marriage Advice: Finding Humor in Commitment, 35 Relationship Goals for Couples & Tips to Achieve Them, Feeling No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, How to Get Back Together After Separation, 6 Ways to Tell if Someone is Lying About Cheating, 5 Signs That You Are Living in a Toxic Marriage, 7 Important Tips to Build Trust in a Relationship, 10 Effective Communication Skills for Healthy Marriages, 20 Signs of a Married Man in Love With Another Woman. In the second case, men generally think of their mothers as vulnerable weaklings who need protection much more than their wives - who are young and strong. But the problem arises when your man decides to embark on a new journey and start his own family. But, maybe the reason he chooses his family over you is that he wants to be the peacekeeper and tries to avoid any potential conflict between you and his family. As his wife, you might have often heard that it is your job to make his life easier and not harder. Problems arise when you leave the house early, barely speaking to or connecting with your wife before you dash out the door. However, if the boundaries are shaky and a man's . They think of them as children and as such create an unhealthy mother-son relationship. Related Reading: 5 ways to deal with your husbands parents. When a Job Steals Time From the Marriage and Family Your situation isn't that different from mine. Especially when children come along. He has always been prioritizing them in small ways and does not realize how much he is hurting you by giving you a second-citizen treatment. 1. Youll only get complicate things if you pull others into the situation. He is putting his children first because he has a paternal bond with them that he will never develop with you. While I made you my priority, it is heart-wrenching that I was still not your priority. Women, here, have the upper hand. Theres little to zero privacy and your relationship with your husband will be heavily tested because of it. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Hear me out on this. But there is a balance to be struck here. Remember, youre a team and you can only solve this problem if you stick together. It requires you to have a lot of understanding and compassion. Relationships . But not all of us are ready and know how to compromise. But take a deep breath because fighting with your spouse wont solve your problems. You can change your city from here. When you are marrying someone and promising to spend your life with them, it is a given that your spouse will be your first priority. I am going to stand for myself, even if you cant. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships and is passionate about writing on them. Follow us at: This website uses cookies to ensure you get the best experience on our website. Why is it that we only hear about women being difficult acceptors? Understanding your spouse, being attentive to them and fulfilling every kind of need of the spouse is your first priority. Lisa Marie Wilson, Contributor. He wants to keep the peace between everyone, 3. After the pheras, a dish of uncooked rice is placed before the newlyweds, and whatever name the husband chooses to write in the rice becomes the new name of his wife. In many cases, it has also happened that a husband has relocated his entire family abroad because his parents wanted him to stay near them. Let your family and friends know that when it comes to your wife and marriage, there is a line they cannot be crossed. In that case, you have to understand his true feelings or maybe encourage him to break the patriarchal norms of the family. Health . Try to ignore the bad things and look for the good ones.. Particularly if all other aspects of your relationship are healthy and functional. You comfort them because they know you're safe and secure and that their grandchildren are well cared for. If your husband spends time with his parents straight after coming home from work, keeps chatting with them for hours and then heads off to sleep without spending time with you, then its a concern. When you call me at 4 a.m. please remember that unlike you, my priorities do not consist of getting drunk. Make it clear to him that you do not take kindly to his mother's interference in small things like this. You can agree to hear and consider the input of his parents because a different idea or perspective on things can actually help you make a decision either by changing your mind or by solidifying your current stance. He vowed to stand by your side for better or worse, and now hes reneging on that vow. Its fine to be a son, but dont forget you are a husband too! While this can become a sore point in the relationship, its not something you may want to jeopardize your marriage over. If your husband chooses his family over you, theres a possibility that he lived solo before he got married. Battle lines have been drawn, so to speak. Consistently choosing their mom over their wife and children. And Im not one to judge this is a great thing. Related Reading: 5 reasons why the Indian family is killing the Indian marriage. To know if. But definitely, it is also a given that you would support each other in looking after your respective families. Mothers have a distinct bond with their children; they can sense their childs need almost telepathically. As a wife, you have to realize when your husband chooses his family he is actually making a tightrope walk and succumbing to a lot of pressure. But dont let those feelings turn into resentment. However, the relationship, in itself, is not as easy. If he doesnt have your back in this situation, how can you ever trust him or depend on him in more serious circumstances? Your husband will need to sever the apron strings, so to speak, and look upon you as the person hes building a life with, rather than the person hes dragging along wherever his family dictates. In this situation, you have to compromise. Click here to chat online to someone before the issue infects your entire relationship. Here are 12 things you could do to make the dynamics of your relationship with your husband vis-a-vis his family more streamlined: They could be working or they could be homemakers but it is a fact that the Indian mothers life revolves around children. What Lies Do to a Marriage? My husband always supports his mother the more you let this thought fester in your mind, the harder it will be to accept their bond. This is a tricky situation, and one that can easily be made worse with the wrong approach. Unlike when in the UK or US where mothers often stop to have a drink after work before heading home, you would always see an Indian mom rushing home from work to help her child with homework or toss up delicacies for them. We suggest that you learn to pick your battles. You are now subscribed to the lifestyle Newsletter, What you should do in situations your husband chooses his family over you. And, in case you find yourself helpless to protect your wifes honor and dignity at least dont stop her from protecting herself. 1. It's completely natural that one person might need to take a back seat to something critical the other is going through, like a grueling, busy period at work or a health concern with a family. It makes you feel worthless and like you have to compete with his family for his attention. Signs That Your Husband Is a Mama's Boy When your mother-in-law insists on remaining the top person in her son's life, it can feel like there's no way to become his number one. You can sort out your feelings by talking. Destination when your husband chooses his family over you quotes youll find some tips that could help you figure things out before its late! How these relationships have been making you feel worthless and like you have to understand his true feelings maybe... Him or depend on him in more serious circumstances on a new journey and his... 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Are ready and know how to cook own boundaries, your husband agrees with you if he doesnt have back! Understand his true feelings or maybe encourage him to have a family dinner at your expense or maybe him! Lived in such a dynamic for his addiction, he will 5 ways to deal with your spouse choose! Love do not imply that your husband will be heavily tested because of.!